Update : July 2023

 As I write this, I am struggling with decisions to make regarding my future. Ever since I had my life stolen from me, abruptly, 6 years ago, my decline in physical health put a heavy burden on my already fragile mental health. I wanted to apologize for not posting the past few weeks, and that guilt was another burden I don't think I should be bearing. 

My social life is almost entirely digital. I have few friends I would ever allow see me today in real life. Mostly because I don't want people to see how far I've fallen from what I used to be. I worked hard, took 18 units a semester, worked 32-44 hours a week, managed a store, exercised, went out with friends weekly, and had a great life. Its unfair that it was all taken from me. Now the most I can manage is doing laundry, and that takes all of the energy I have in a day. According to my last test results, after walking at normal pace for me (2mph @ no incline),  I enter anaerobic exercise within 4 minutes. I quite literally cannot do anything. So, in order to have a social life, I've used PlayStation for the longest time. Granted that the online world can be much less personal than the real world, but after talking to people for 10+ years or some for 3 years every single day, you know them on a level that is on par with a physical friendship. 

I don't even feel like getting into the psychology or sociological benefits or physical vs digital friendships on a person's social needs, but know that I have never felt a lack of friends or support for the longest time. Until recently. Lately, I have been alone. Day after day, not playing with anybody or talking to anybody. Its been like this for at least a month now and the amount of damage it does to a person's psyche is real, very real. I feel like I am alone in the world without my friends to talk to, and though I understand that many of them have justified reasons for not being there to play games or to even talk, there are those who don't. There are those who I've known for 11 years and have even met in real life and I feel like a stranger now. Perhaps, after all of this time, I am just a ghost. Living in fear of what people's memory of me will be but no longer able to build memories with people. The level of depression I have makes me think of asking my doctor to write my referral for another round of ECT treatments. The positive side is that I will no longer be depressed, but the negative is that I will lose more of my memory and have more cognitive damage. To summarize: I haven't been writing a blog post this month much because I've been weighing an important decision. When your body is your own enemy and the only friend you have is your brain, it becomes a battle to contain the id when your superego is wounded; the ego no longer can protect the boundaries. I think I've thought too much. Until next time. 

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