One month later; becoming selfish

First, I'd like to apologize to my readers that it's taken a month for me to write a new post and give you an update or story. Things have been a little chaotic between trying to find a good palliative care provider that matches my wishes and care. 

Lately, I've started medicine that is helping control the chronic pain associated with heart failure, like muscle weakness, chest pain, shortness of breath, and soreness from these "resistance" band exercises I've wasted time doing for 8 weeks now and have not benefitted from. But enough about physical health. We all know where that story leads, but it's not time yet. 

I want to share a story about myself and my personal philosophy. I always want what is best for others, usually at the cost of my own enjoyment. I've always been selfless and giving, frequently sacrificing my own happiness so that others can benefit in someway. The thought that mutualistic relationships are an actual possibility scares me because I've learned most people don't care enough to help others. Friends included. So I wanted to be the change that I wished to see in the world. Years of self-sacrificing my own happiness so that people I consider friends could benefit has been hard though. I have been walked on, used, taken advantage of, and worst of all: I forgive nearly everything. 

Those times are over now. I deserve a modicum of respect. I want to out my own happiness and needs ahead of those around me. It is time to be selfish and take care of myself and to put my best interests at heart. 

The spark for this emotional revolution is one that hurts me. It hurts me deeply and down to my very core because year after year of forgiving this one particular friend, he tells others lies about me to protect his fragile ego. I've never wished ill of others, and although I'm not going to start today, this is one of the few times I believe somebody deserves the distress, misery, depression and loneliness he has experienced since I've known him. Let's dig into the story.  

Ten years ago I met a friend from playing Destiny. We got along and continued to play playstation together for years. Through him, I got to know several of his friends and even his younger brother. We all bonded through video games and talked together, had group chats, and I even met two of them in person. One of these friends that I grew to know, let's call him "Dillon" suffered from depression like me. Even though he was five years younger than me, I empathized with his feelings and would console him and offer insight through my own personal experiences. He had deeper wounds than just depression. He had very serious codependency issues and always played a poker face about his issues. It's as if one could neglect their problems and act that they don't exist, in the feeble hope they would suddenly vanish. We all know you can't wish away problems though. Fast forward to 2019. We are playing GTA5 online and talking about our feelings, the world, and reflecting on our own thoughts. Later that night, he sends me a nude picture. Maybe it was a thank you, or a subtle expression of curiosity, or just because he knew I thought he was attractive. We got in fights in the future, as all friends do, but he cut me from his life for almost a year. It wasn't unusual; he shelters himself from ever talking about problems or what he is facing. I must've become a focal point for his issues because we had a connection through out mutual understanding of depression and working through it. So I understand being cut from somebody's life as a scapegoat. It has happened multiple times in my life. I am used to being ghosted. In the beginning of 2022, we started talking again and resumed playing games together. For a majority of the year we played playstation and spoke regularly with a group of friends. Around Autumn though, we were separated in a game because I had a PS5 and he was still on PS4. I offered to buy him a PS5 and he could pay me back over time, and I jokingly offered to accept nudes in lieu of payment. When he told me that he would agree to that, I said fuck it and agreed to actually accept them in lieu of payment. He never paid me back at all, in any form. And now he is suddenly saying that I was grooming him, despite never asking for anything when he first sent pictures after dropping out of college. It hurts deep because this is somebody I always considered a friend, no matter how we fought. But this is different. He wants to tarnish any memories people have of me by saying I am a groomer,  even though he was 19 and I was 24. He is straight and I can understand the inherent homophobia, but what will happen to memories or me when I'm not here to defend myself ? It's time to not care about other people and put myself first. So I don't feel bad about posting this because I'll defend myself until my last day. I'm not a groomer. You need to see a therapist and stop bottling your problems. Leave me out of the rest of your life, because you are gone from the rest of mine. It's selfish, and what I deserve: no more negativity. No more self sacrifice. I am the priority now. 

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